Best I Ever Had
by Aruraya
Summary: Post-Valinor. Sam is trying to forget about Frodo, but how do you say goodbye to the best you've ever had?


Disclaimer:  I own nothing but the kiss Frodo blew Sam.  Ahem.

Warning:  Angst, cliches, and gratuitous mention of Frodo's smile.  

Author's Note:  I thought that this song would make a great Frodo/Sam fic.  If it makes you cry, tell me.  It made me cry, but I was in a bad mood, and I cry over everything anyway.

Best I Ever Had (Grey Sky Morning)

Story by Allaya Cooks, aka Aruraya

Song by Vertical Horizon

            It's been two weeks since you left me, Mr. Frodo, and I still can't stop thinking of you.  "Don't go where your Sam can't follow," I said, but you did, and you've taken my very soul with you.  You've left me with nothing but a life I can't love, not when the love of my life is gone.  Now I'm here all alone, with naught but a mug of ale to catch my tears, and life's going to be awfully sad without you.

_So you sailed away_

_Into a grey sky morning_

_Now I'm here to stay_

_Love can be so boring_

It was over twenty years ago that old Mr. Bilbo left you behind, Mr. Frodo.  Do you remember?  You were a wreck.  You were sad, torn in two, and with as big a mess to clean up as anyone could've asked for.  I'll never forget it, even if I should live to see another twenty years twenty times over.  You took my hand, and looked at me, and said, "We've got our work cut out for us, Sam."  And so we do, Mr. Frodo.  Though I daresay you won't be helping me this time.  

_Nothing's quite the same now_

_I just say your name now_

            It's getting close to winter, and after that will come a new spring.  The sun will warm the soil, and flowers will sprout, but I don't see how anything can grow in Middle-Earth without you.  My heart has frozen, and nothing save the warmth of your smile can ever melt it again.  The flowers that bloom in the heart of the spring, flowers that a dragon would covet above a mountain full of gold, are nothing compared to you, and they hold no beauty without you.  You were so beautiful, Mr. Frodo, fairer than the elves that took you away from me.  I loved everything about you.  You were so special, so unique, that there are no words even for how I felt around you, how you made me feel.  Sometimes, you know, I would just sit and whisper your name, enjoy it like a sweet wine, delight in the way it filled my mouth and echoed into the breeze around me.  You made everything beautiful, Frodo.  Even my plain, common name sounded like magic, exotic and beautiful as it fell from your lips, as you called my name over and over again, our legs tangled together, your body naked beneath mine, rubbing together until our feelings were so strong that all I could say was your name, and it was all you could do but to call out mine...

            "Frodo," I murmur into my ale.  But it doesn't sound the same.  It'll never be the same...

_But it's not so bad_

_You're only the best I ever had_

_You don't want me back_

_You're just the best I ever had_

            But I try not to think of these things, try not to torture myself with broken thoughts and empty memories.  I try not to cry, try not to dampen my pillow with tears, try not to hate the ones who took you away from me.  I was never sad around you, Mr. Frodo.  The light of your eyes and the touch of your lips was enough to erase my fears and doubts, to make them slip away as easily as your shirt sliding off your back.  You would never have me upset, and if I am to live without you, then I have to pretend as if the reason for my smiles wasn't the reason for my tears.  I must find a new reason to smile, a new star whose light will reflect in my eyes.  But with each day that I spend away from you, I begin to fear that our candle is burning out.  Our flame has been lost, drowned in the waters of the sea, and though it burns forever in my heart, it will never shine with the brilliance it once had.  It's just a tiny flicker on the horizon, but it's my last light now that all others have gone out.       

_So you stole my world_

_And now I'm just a phony_

_Remembering the girl_

_Leaves me down and lonely_

            I was a fool, Mr. Frodo.  I always was, and you knew it as well as I did.  Why did I ever think I could get away with it?  I was the one to think I could have my cake, and eat it too.  (You always loved my cakes, remember?)  You told me to marry Rose and I did, Mr. Frodo.  At my wedding, I kissed her and smiled at you.  And you winked at me, and blew me a little kiss, and there was never a happier hobbit anywhere.  All these years I pretended to love her, married her in front of the Shire and slept in your arms on the wedding night... and it was okay, because you loved me.  You told me we could make it work and I believed you.  You always had the answers, Mr. Frodo, so answer me this.  How can I love her, when I've only ever loved you?  How can I live with her, when she's a living reminder of everything I've lost?  How can she be my soulmate, when I found my soul in you?  I whisper my questions, but no answers come.

_Send it in a letter_

_Make yourself feel better_

            I'm struggling to make sense of the thoughts swarming my addled mind, but the ale and my broken heart makes this impossible.  I close my eyes and your face appears behind my closed lids.  

            "I love you," I say.  But there is no answer.

_But it's not so bad_

_You're only the best I ever had_

_You don't need me back_

_You're just the best I ever had_

            You thought I couldn't see it, Mr. Frodo.  You thought I couldn't see the pain in your eyes.  You had such bright, beautiful, expressive eyes, and I could read you like a book.  Only no-one else could.  They thought that I was crazy, always thought I fussed too much over you.  I didn't care.  I knew I needed to be there for you, to always be your Sam.  And with all I did to help, all I wanted to do, nothing worked.  I would lay awake at night, hearing you cry bitterly, whispering for me, and with each sob my heart would crack a little more.  A spider web of thin, little cracks would wind itself around my heart until it would shatter into a million pieces.  And then I'd rush into your room, and hold you tight, and we'd cry together until dawn, when Rosie would come in with a cup of tea, a sad, lonely look, and my child on her hip.  Little Elanor was the light of my life, and Rose knew I wouldn't stay if it wasn't for her.  She made my daughter a constant guilty reminder of everything I've ruined in their lives.  I want to fix it, I want to make it better, I really do.  But even with Elanor here still, I'm a potato skin away from jumping into the sea after you, because I know you need me most of all.  At least I hope you still need me.  I know I can't compare to fancy Elvish singing, and their healing magic, and I'm sorry I can't tell between Sindarin and Quenya.  But for all of that, none of them could love you more.  So I'll try to let you go, because I'm afraid to crush you if I hold you too tight.  You're in a place where no one can hurt you anymore, Mr. Frodo.  The elves have got you at last.

_And it may take some time to patch me up inside_

_But I can't take it so I _

_Run away and hide_

_And I may find in time that_

_You were always right (you're always right)_

            When you left me, you told me that I could not always be torn in two, that one day I would be happier than what ever seemed possible.  Well, I certainly hope so, Mr. Frodo, because I don't feel I'll ever be happy again.  All I want to do is follow you over the sea and into your arms.  I feel cold, Frodo.  Cold and dead.  And I'm scared to go home.  Who the hell cares about eventually being happy?  I still have to get there.  Even in the depths of Mordor, I felt I could survive.  I knew I had to.  Every time I saw the hurt on your face, saw the angry marks the Ring cut into your neck as we crawled up the side of a mountain, I knew I had to make it for you.  But now who is there left to live for?  Whose smiles will warm my heart?  Whose arms will I cry in?  Rosie's?  Ha.  Well, maybe that's not fair.  Soon, I may learn to love her.  She's a good lass, and I can't pretend she doesn't love me.  But she's not you, Mr. Frodo.  I had you, and you slipped away, and now nothing less than perfect will do.  You, dearest Frodo, were perfection.  You were always right, always knew what to say and what to do to calm my skittish nerves.  You were the only one who could.  I'm counting on you, Mr. Frodo, one last time.  If you say I can keep living when my heart has stopped beating, then I suppose you're right.

_So you sailed away_

_Into a grey sky morning_

_Now I'm here to stay_

_Love can be so boring_

Still, it'll take some time to find you again, Frodo.  I know that I could never find anyone quite like you, but maybe if I could find something to make me smile, I could see a chance of being happy.  To me, my future looks bleaker and worse than all the vast barren wastelands of Mordor.  You see, Frodo, as long as I had you by my side, I could've done anything at all.  We had a purpose, Mr. Frodo, we made a promise.  "Destroy the Ring," they told us, and though it seemed impossible, we did it and we lived.  But I had made another promise.  "Don't you lose him, Samwise Gamgee," Gandalf said.  And when it seemed that we were going to die, I kept you in sight and we survived.  We came home to the Shire we had risked our lives and many more to save, and you still could not be happy.  That broke my heart.  We had passed through all the evil in Middle-Earth, and your tears still broke my heart.  But sometimes people must give things up, lose them, so that others might keep them.  Isn't that what you said?  You smiled, and gave me the sweetest kiss on the forehead, and then you left.  Where's the fairness in that?  What does the Ringbearer keep?  And what about me?  All I wanted was you.  They can keep the Shire and every damn thing in it, if I could just see you again.  Just one more time.

_What was it you wanted? _

_Could it be I'm haunted?_

            If we're both going to be so unhappy, then what was the point in your going?  You must know.  There must be something you saw, Mr. Frodo, something that you wanted that your Sam couldn't give you anymore.  Or maybe it was something that I never had in the first place.  Perhaps the love that we shared was a ghost, a shadow of the wraith that I've become without you.  I don't know anymore.  You've passed from my sight, but never from my thoughts, and I don't know what I did to make you leave me behind.  You tried to leave me alone once before, Frodo, and I followed you to the deepest chamber of Mount Doom and back.  Well, you managed to leave me this time, and I'm left without anything to hold on to.  I float through the rooms in the inn, drift through the woods of the Shire, wander through the halls of Bag End like a stranger, like I were possessed.  Always hoping to catch a glimpse of your beautiful, magical smiles, always hoping to hear your laughter on the breeze.  Day and night are melting together, and everything reminds me of you.  In the sun I can see the lights dancing in your eyes.  In the moon I can see the impossible paleness of your skin.  The darkness of night hanging behind the twinkling stars reminds me of your smooth, sweet-smelling curls.  The very waters themselves seem to whisper, "_Frodo._"   I can feel the breeze that moves the clouds, drawing them like a curtain away from the moon, and I think of the breeze that caressed your brow the first time you kissed me and told me you loved me.

_But it's not so bad_

_You're only the best I ever had_

_I don't want you back_

_You're just the best I ever had_

_The best I ever had_

_The best I ever_

            I shake my head and stand up, pushing my ale away.  If you truly believe that I can live without you, then that's what I'll have to do.  Maybe, in time, I'll smile again, and I won't want to die.  Maybe, soon, I'll be able to face the Shire, and carry on again as if my heart wasn't shattered and lost forever.  Maybe I'll mean it when I tell Rosie I love her.  Eventually, I'll be able to look back and smile, die knowing I had a good life, a happy life, and that I had lived and been in love.  I'm a lucky hobbit, by all accounts, and life will be good for me.  But it will never be more than that. 

You, Mr. Frodo, were the best I ever had.  


End file.
